Introduction, Page 3

I don’t aim to cover the special aspects of raising adopted children in any depth. Even children adopted as tiny healthy babies need special parenting in some respects; children adopted at older ages often need very special parenting indeed. That is a special field, with its own experts and books, and the needs are so different for different kinds of children that it is best to get specialist advice if and when you need it. I do however try to indicate in a general way some of the problems modern adoption can pose for parents, to help you make informed decisions and know what to look out for along the way.

The laws governing adoption are not uniform throughout the United Kingdom. This book is aimed in its legal and procedural sections at readers in England and Wales. If you live elsewhere things will be somewhat different, although the underlying principles are identical. Adoption law in England and Wales is also undergoing significant change following the passage of the Adoption and Children Act 2002. Not all of the Act’s parts have been implemented (as of April 2004), nor are all the practice guidelines and other supplementary regulations in place, so change is ongoing and is likely to cause confusion among adopters and social workers and even the courts, as unintended consequences of the new laws show up and new procedures are introduced.

Throughout the book I give examples in boxes from real-life families. A few of these are from my own family; most are not. But they are all told in the first person.

Words, Words

To avoid expressions like “parent(s)”, “child(ren)” and “local authority adoption and fostering services or voluntary adoption societies”, I write “parents” and “child” because adoption usually involves two of one and one of the other at a time. “Agency” or “adoption agency” implies both the local authority and the voluntary type; if I need to be more explicit I will be. “Birth mother” includes the birth father where it makes sense, but it is usually the birth mother alone who has to make the decisions about adoption, especially when babies and very young children are concerned or when she is unmarried. I use “his” and “her” more or less in alternating sections when writing about children, to avoid the clumsy “he/she”, etc.

I have tried to anticipate words and phrases, like parental responsibility, which have special meanings when referring to adoption, and other social work jargon that has to be used. The Glossary at the end of the book gives definitions and further references.

Terminology in Adoption

There are some words that are used about adopted children and their parents which I find offensive. I dislike hearing people say things like “he’s just like one of my own children” about an adopted child. “My own” as compared to what? My adopted children are my own children. Even if I also had birth children, they would be my own children. If you need to distinguish between adopted and other children, the best terms to use for the others are “born-to”, “step-” or “foster-”. The term “natural” to mean children born to you as opposed to adopted or fostered is not only offensive but etymologically wrong. Historically a “natural child” was an illegitimate child. Use “born-to” or “biological” to refer to children born to you or another family if you need to distinguish them from adopted or foster children.

I also find “natural parents” offensive when used to refer to my children’s birth parents, even though it is the term used in UK law. If they are their natural parents, what does that make me? The obvious antonym to “natural” is “unnatural” or “artificial”, neither of which seems to suit my relationship with my kids. My children’s other parents can be more accurately referred to as their “biological”, “birth” or “genetic” parents (I prefer “birth parents” myself); when I talk to my children about them, I call them their “first parents” or use their given names (Mary, Peter, etc.). But what I really hate enough to write letters to the editor about is the word “real” to refer to biological parents. I am not a figment of anyone’s imagination. I am the father who’s been there to change the nappies and kiss the bruises better. I’m the one who got up for 10 years with the 3:00 morning bottles. I’m the one who goes to the school parents’ evenings and takes my children to their music lessons. I’m the one who foots the bills and frets and even goes to court to stand by my children if necessary. And it’s my name which is on their “real” birth certificates. I willingly share the honour of being their parent with my children’s birth parents, but no one is going to tell me I’m not a “real” father to my children. And none of my children has ever said to me, “You’re not my real father”. And in the same way, my children are my “real” children (however much I might sometimes wish they were imaginary)!

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