VII. Have You Got What it Takes?, Page 5

The Challenge of Raising Someone Else’s Child

Raising someone else’s child is not the same as raising one born to you. In addition to being your own child’s parents you are acting in trust for the birth parents and society at large. Your child is both yours and theirs, and while you have all the good times and bad times over the years, much of what your child has that brings you joy and tears comes from her birth parents. Be thankful for that and be worthy of their trust. Being allowed to adopt is one of the greatest privileges in the world.

There are some extra complications in raising adopted children.

• First, there is a comparative lack of knowledge of the child’s past to explain any problems or help you decide what to do next.
• There are areas of special sensitivity which can crop up: school assignments asking for non-existent baby photos or about “my family tree”, cruel questions from other children and unthinking comments by adults who should know better.
• You may need to emphasise to your child that while in one important respect he belongs to another family, he is still your child.
• Some other parents may not accept your child as a playmate or life partner for theirs.
• There may be special joys, pains and relationships ahead if your child decides to trace his birth family.
• You may find yourself and your child under extra scrutiny by others, looking for weaknesses or expecting you to be super-parents.
• There will be your own anxiety about your parenting skills.

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When you’re staggering groggily up the stairs at three in the morning with a bottle in your hand; when your child comes home from school with a grubby drawing of an elephant; when he comes home unrecognisable underneath a layer of football pitch mud; when he’s called to read the Torah portion at his Bar Mitzvah; when she brings home her GCSE results (no matter what they are); when you hold your first grandchild for the first time — spare a thought for some woman and man out there who would have given anything to be able to be in your shoes right now.

Adoptive Families

Adoptive families are not like other families. We’re different. Not better, not worse, but definitely different. Let’s look at some of the ways:

• We don’t have the normal nine months of pregnancy to prepare ourselves to gradually get used to the idea of impending parenthood. It may come suddenly, even after the interminable period of assessment. After adopting three children we had decided our family was complete. Then we saw Gwilym’s profile in Children Who Wait. Six months later he was ours. Sioned came only six weeks after we learned about her, although we had been assessed. Parenthood isn’t meant to be thrust on people so precipitously. You make do.
• We don’t know as much about our children’s backgrounds as other families. We don’t know if Bobby looks like Uncle Louis, or if Rani looks like Aunty Indira. Not even their ethnic make-up may be certain. We don’t necessarily know what their inherited strengths and weaknesses might be. This can be an advantage, if we let it; if we are less inclined to try to guide them in a particular way, like someone we fancy they resemble, but let them find their own path. But we also probably don’t know things like whether they are prone to some inherited diseases. We don’t know as much as we should about their early life experiences: what has shaped them they way they are when they come to us. We tend to be more watchful, and may have to guard against being over-protective.
• Our children have a whole other life, maybe several other lives, before we get them. All those other parents, brothers and sisters, budgies and dogs, friends and neighbours, come with them and become part of our family. That’s a lot to assimilate in a hurry. We think of ourselves as a family with 10 moms and dads and at least 15 children. They’re all important members, even those whose names we don’t know. Remembering their names and relative ages, where they are or might be living, are important to our children and to us. Some of these people we’ve spent time with; one of our adult children is in frequent contact with several birth family members. These people aren’t strangers or intruders; they’re family. Our family.
• If we adopt several children at different ages, they may not follow the normal birth order. Our fourth child isn’t our youngest; he’s our second eldest. Friends of ours adopted two brothers after having a birth daughter. Instead of being the eldest, she’s the middle child. The eldest may not appreciate being “demoted” in rank to second or third place. Upsetting the birth order like that can be tricky and calls for special skills to make it work. Adopting a sibling group can introduce a subgroup into the family that may separate itself off from members by virtue of their shared past and parentage. Integrating them into the family may not be easy.
• Most families, even today, are all of the same race or ethnic background. Adoptive families are often mixed. The different ethnicities enrich everyone’s lives, but to do that they have to be worked on. My collection of dictionaries in seven languages isn’t just for decoration; I use them. Our table conversation incorporates snatches of half a dozen languages because those languages are part of our family in the same way as other families incorporate Grandma’s language from the Old Country into their conversation, even though the children may not understand more than some special phrases and words. Knowing how to explain the way the sun’s rays become visible in certain weathers as Maui’s Ropes from Maaori mythology is important. Duppies and Anancy from the Caribbean are as important as Bendigeidfran from Wales and Paul Bunyan from North America. Earthquakes and revolutions in far-away countries mean more to us because there is always the possibility that someone close to us is involved; the world has become a smaller, more intimate place because of our different backgrounds.
• There is a tendency for adoptive parents to become completely wrapped up in their children. This is only natural, considering that you have to really want children to adopt. Some of us have to make an effort to maintain our relationships with others, even our partners, in the face of this extraordinary creature who now occupies centre stage in our lives. We can put too much pressure on our children, too, having invested so much of ourselves in them. And we have to be sure we don’t bore everyone else to death with our tales of little Megan’s latest exploits.
• Our children, because of their special needs and past lives, may put extra strain on our families. Their behaviour can make others blame us wrongly; we can blame each other wrongly, for what is almost always the heritage of past neglect, abuse, or damage from the care system itself. They may require a lot of time in medical care, therapy visits and the like. The rest of the family has to be prepared to accept this and do their bit to help, and maybe take a back seat sometimes to the needs of this often difficult-to-love addition to the family. If we’re in a partnership, we both have to be in it together, for the long haul.

© Roger Ridley Fenton