VII. Have You Got What it Takes?, Page 4

Perfect Parents or Good Enough Parents?

Adoptive parents are always in danger of trying to be super-parents. Social workers are not looking for perfect parents; they know there aren’t any. They are looking for special parents for special children. But if you try too hard you will disappoint yourself most of all. Goodness knows, your child, if you adopted her as a baby, doesn’t have any particular expectations; if you adopted an older child, she will have experienced much worse. Relax! Enjoy your children! What’s the point of going through all the trouble of applying, getting assessed, sitting by the phone for months waiting for “that” phone call, if you’re going to spend the rest of your life in a state of acute anxiety over whether you’re good enough for your children?

You know you’re good enough; you’ve got the papers to prove it. When you get depressed because you shouted when Kwesi broke that window, take out your letter from the agency telling you you’ve been accepted as an adopter and read it. Better still, take out Kwesi’s adoption certificate and read that. Maybe by then you will have calmed down enough that you won’t give him that clip around the ear you were going to. If you really think your parenting is having a negative effect on your child, you can get help. Getting help doesn’t mean the heavy mob descending on you and taking your child away from you. That’s the last thing they want to do. They want to improve the situation, and removing the child from your care is unlikely to do that.

Unconditional Love, but Love is not Enough

One of our collection of “telling” stories for small children describes an assessment interview of 30 years ago, when the social worker asked the prospective adopters what they had to offer one of her “special babies”. They answered that they had a house, a nursery all decorated, a dog and a cat. Each time she answered that it wasn’t enough, and did they have anything more. Finally the parents answered that they had lots of love, and that was all the nice social worker lady needed to hear. Unfortunately that won’t do now, if it ever did. Adopters need love, to be sure, but like having a dog and a cat, it isn’t enough for today’s children.

You will want to love your child. Maybe not at first, but in almost all cases love does come soon enough. Your child may never grow to love you, especially an older child who has experienced bad parenting and learned not to trust adults. New adoptive parents used to be told to just take the baby home and love him, as if love were enough. It isn’t, not for born-to children and definitely not for adoptive children. Many adoptees need parents with very special skills, some of which you may not have; you may have to call on experts from time to time.

You must try to love constantly, unconditionally, maybe even hopelessly. That doesn’t mean giving in. Love is not a doormat and true parental love doesn’t encourage dependency, but aims at independence.

© Roger Ridley Fenton