V. Are You Right for Adoption?, Page 4

Is There a Child-Shaped Hole in Your Life?

This is not an easy thing to define. It’s rather like good art: you know it when you see it.

When it comes down to it, I think this is possibly the most important criterion, and paradoxically, it comes very close to a total no-no. Adoption is basically a selfish thing to do. We adopt because we need to adopt. Many of the bad reasons to adopt listed in the previous section are also selfish, but they are selfish in a definite, definable way:

As a “cure” for infertility,
To save your marriage,
To be a companion, a cure for depression or company for your old age,
As a pension plan,
To replace a child who has died,
As a companion for an only child,
To get a servant or extra hand on the farm,
Because your friends have babies,
As a fashion accessory or political statement,
To carry on the family name,
To have a successor in the family business.

Each of these reasons would use the adopted child for a specific purpose and they all focus on one particular aspect or quality of the child, not the child as a whole or for its own sake. They are all essentially exploitative. But the best motive for adoption, while it uses children to fill a need in ourselves, uses them in the way they are intended to be used. Nature gives people, men and women, broody feelings for a purpose: so we will go out and reproduce the species.

That’s what I mean by a “child-shaped hole in your life”. If you get broody when a friend has a baby; if you get a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach when you see a father with his little boy; if you go to school Christmas pageants and cry because your child is not the ninth shepherd; if you sometimes cross the street to avoid passing a toy shop; if you involve yourself with other people’s children to help assuage these feelings but are only partially satisfied; if you want a child for herself, for her own sake — these are all indications of a child-shaped hole in your life which will only be filled by a child of your own. Go for it!

You don’t have to be married, you don’t have to be childless, you don’t have to be heterosexual, to have these feelings. You can still adopt.

But beware if any of these feelings get out of hand. If you are seriously tempted to steal a child; if you think about pretending you are pregnant or pretending you have children; if you think about ways to entice a child away from his parents; if you find yourself having sexual feelings towards children — these are very serious signs that you must not adopt, because they are not natural, and you would not be able to have a natural relationship with a child. You need counselling from a skilled professional.

I’m Not Sure Whether Adoption is Right for Me ...

First, the decision about going ahead with an adoption application is entirely yours. All I’ve tried to do is to give you some things to think about. I want to save you the disappointment and time you might waste if you proceeded with a doomed application. But there is a big grey area between the people who are obviously well suited to adopt and those who are definitely not. That grey area includes:

People who aren’t quite sure yet about adoption versus other ways of including children in their lives,
People who aren’t ready to adopt yet, but who with more experience or personal growth will be ready, and
People who might be well suited to some kinds of children but not for some others.

If you think you fall into the first group, read through the rest of this book and also get more information. There are references at the end for further study. Check out the newer books at your local bookstore and public library. Talk to a social worker. Talk to some adoptive parents. Join Adoption UK and read their magazine, Adoption Today (you can also meet other adopters and prospective adopters through Adoption UK’s local groups).

If you think you aren’t ready yet, you probably aren’t. Spend a few years getting more experience with children, especially any particular kinds of children you think you might be interested in adopting later on. Personal growth may simply mean waiting until you’ve been married longer or are older. Life in general will take care of that!

If you think there are some kinds of children who would be right for you but not others, that’s fine. Go ahead.

If you are pretty sure you’re ready to go ahead with an adoption enquiry or application, read the rest of this book. You can always use more pre-adoption experience, and the social workers will be impressed.

Even if, from reading the book up to this point, most of the indicators seem to be pointing at the EXIT sign, telling you, you probably aren’t suited to adopt; and yet you still feel that you really want to go ahead, contact a social worker and have a thorough, honest talk with her. People who on the surface seem to be not suitable can turn out to make excellent adopters or foster parents for the right child. Some people get rejected by a number of agencies before finding one that understands them and sees what they can offer a child. It may also be that fostering, rather than adoption, is the right option for you.

Next: Chapter VI: Alternatives to Adoption

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