IV: Is Adoption Right for You?

Note that the heading asks if adoption is right for you, not whether you are right for adoption. Adoption is not for everyone. That doesn’t mean that some people are fit to adopt and others are not. This section is about helping you discover whether adoption is right for you in the same sense as discovering whether a career as an accountant is right for you, or whether you might be better as a nurse or research chemist instead. If adoption is wrong for you it doesn’t mean you are a bad person, any more than if nursing isn’t right for you. If you are considering adoption because you are unable to have biological children, adoption is not the only way to bring children into your life, and later in this chapter I will discuss some alternatives to adoption.

Are You Infertile?

Adoption is not a cure for infertility. Infertility is the inability to have biological children, regardless of where in the reproductive cycle the problem is, or in a couple, regardless of which partner has the physical problem.

Not all couples who adopt do so because they can’t have their own biological children, but most of them do. If you have been trying for a child for longer than you think should be necessary you will be wondering whether you are infertile as a couple. If you haven’t already seen your doctor, that is your first port of call. The adoption agency will definitely want to know where you are in investigating or treating infertility. No agency will consider your application unless the matter of infertility has been addressed. This doesn’t mean they will not consider you unless you are infertile, but it does mean that you have to have come to a conclusion about it before or during assessment.

That could be a decision not to bother with fertility treatment at all, in order to start on the road to adoption while you’re relatively young; or it could be a decision to stop fertility treatment you are currently undergoing. If one of you has been sterilised previously, you may decide not to try to have it reversed.

The important fact is that a decision has to be taken before you can proceed very far with adopting. This is primarily to protect the adoption agencies from wasting time and money assessing people who go on to get pregnant, have their own children and then forget about adopting. You would be surprised at the number of couples who do just that. It’s almost as if having made the decision to stop trying so hard they relax and Mother Nature steps in. So if you are having fertility treatment you will be asked to stop. If you don’t know whether you are infertile or not, you may be asked to have tests.

In some cases a couple may not be sterile, but still unable or unwilling to have children biologically.

You may have had children and want to add to your family by adoption because you feel you are too old for 3:00 AM feeds, or don’t want to add to the world population explosion, or don’t want another baby.
You may have had several stillbirths or miscarriages and can’t face the prospect of any more.
You may have religious objections to assisted conception (IVF, etc.).
You may be able to conceive but for some reason cannot carry a baby to term.
You may have had a difficult pregnancy and want more children without repeating the ordeal.
You may have genetic problems and want to avoid passing them on, but still want to raise a family.
You may be a single woman and not want to become pregnant by any of the assisted means available,
You may be a single man.

Any of these, and more, are perfectly acceptable conditions or reasons to adopt.