IV: Is Adoption Right for You?, Page 3

Bad Reasons for Adopting

You didn’t think there were bad reasons for adopting? There definitely are. Some of these reasons probably form a minor or incidental part of most peoples’ reasons for adopting, but as a main foundation on which to build a permanent relationship with a child, they are definite no-nos. Some of these may seem bizarre to you, but they are all real reasons why people have adopted.

As a preliminary to the rest of this section, I want to emphasise again that adoption is for kids, not adults. Even though adoption is something you want to do primarily for you, as far as the social workers are concerned, and rightly, it is something they do for the children in their care. To look at it any other way is to risk returning to the bad old days when children were used in adoption to serve the purposes of adults. This too often resulted in miserable children, growing up in unloving, exploitative homes. Children are not instruments or means to an end; they are and must only be ends in themselves. The purpose of children is simply to be children, growing up to be adults, and nothing more.

As an extension of this point, adopters must be on their guard, maybe more than others, to avoid trying to make their children into their “fantasy child”. This could be in the way of a stage mother, grooming her daughter to fulfil her own thwarted show-business ambitions; or a football father, determined that his son will play for Chelsea because he never managed to make the local semi-professional team. But it could come in other guises: trying to make your child conform to your image of what a child or person should be, whether that be an image of physical beauty, piety, sporting prowess, musical gifts, academic excellence, mechanical genius, or whatever. Your job is to help your child find her own way, develop her own gifts, not to direct her into a way chosen by you.

To Save Your Marriage

If you are in an unhappy marriage, adoption is the last thing you want to try to save it, even if the reason your marriage is heading for the rocks is because you can’t have children. It is wrong on two counts.

First, it is using a child in an unacceptable way, just the kind of thing I mentioned in the previous section.
Second, it won’t work.

If your marriage is under strain you certainly don’t need more strain, more worry, something else to disagree about, broken nights, more financial problems, less time for each other, etc. It’s much more likely that a baby or child in the house will make matters worse. And who will be the biggest loser if your marriage is unhappy or breaks down? The child. Who will feel most guilty about the divorce? Probably the child, when she’s old enough. And who will be the only innocent party? Exactly.

As a Companion, a Cure for Depression, or for Company in Your Old Age

It is no part of a child’s job to be a companion for an adult. A baby certainly is a companion, and just about the best company you could wish for, as long as you don’t expect much in the way of serious conversation. Toddlers, too, are company; sometimes too much company, the way they hang around monopolising your attention 22 hours a day! But a child’s place, as soon as he is old enough, is playing with other children, not with adults. What are you going to do when little Sam wants to play with George and Meena down the street, instead of playing Old Maid with you? Lock him in? Trade him in for a younger model, like a Hollywood actress when she’s tired of her latest toy-boy? Forcing a child to be an unpaid companion is a form of abuse. If you want a pet, get a real pet. A dog is cheaper, better natured, and less work than a child. A dog may not be able to play Old Maid, but he will always love you and won’t talk back. All a dog needs is love, some kind words, food and water, and walkies.

If you’re lonely, you need a friend your own age, not a child. Get active in a religious group, join a club, do volunteer work, raise money for charity, cruise the singles bars or go on group tours, but don’t adopt or foster a child.

A child is not a cure for depression. True, in the old days a doctor would actually sometimes suggest and even procure a child for a woman as a cure for her depression. Maybe a baby, as long as it were happy and healthy, would raise her spirits. But in the long run children are a lot more worry and cause a lot more depression than they do happiness. I’m convinced that if people really realised in time how much trouble and pain children caused, the species would die out in a couple of generations. But by the time we realise the truth, it’s too late; we’ve reproduced ourselves! Children, especially babies, make us happy so that we will take care of them. If they made us miserable we’d let them starve. It’s part of Nature’s plan for the continuation of the species. That’s modern genetics for you. But a baby is no substitute for Prozac and a lot more expensive. If you want a court jester go to Equity and hire one by the hour. Adopting a child will not work, except in the short term, if you’re lucky.

Thinking of adopting a child (especially a girl) to take care of you in your old age? That’s certainly what used to happen a lot in the old days. A woman would give a surplus baby to a childless sister or aunt as company and as someone to look after her in her old age. In some traditional societies that’s still the case. I know of families among the Maaori of New Zealand where children were given to great-grandparents to raise. But not in today’s Britain. A child will grow up to be her own person. It is not fair to expect any child, born to you or adopted, to look after you in your old age. And one of the surest ways of ensuring that you are lonely and unvisited in your old age is to make it known that you expect to be waited on by your children. You may get the attention of a resentful and unhappy but dutiful child, but are you really ready to sacrifice your child’s future for your selfish comfort? If so you aren’t right for adoption.

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