XIV. Moving in With You: The Honeymoon

Assuming the introduction period has gone well, you can sooner or later expect to find yourself in your own home, with your new child or children. Alone. Panic! Why won’t she stop crying? Where’s his teddy gone? They let you watch what on TV?! Where’s the social worker? I’ve lost the foster mother’s phone number! I want to go back to the children’s home. What do you mean I’m bouncing him too hard?!

Don’t panic. It’s like that for all of us, including the ones who have their own babies. Who said being a parent was going to be easy? On the other hand, once you get your new darling to sleep, tiptoe in and watch him. Without crying for joy. Nope, you can’t do it, can you?

You’re Not on Your Own

Just because you’re in your own home at last doesn’t mean you’ve been abandoned to sink or swim. There should be all the help you need on the other end of the telephone. If you have a baby, you will have a health visitor calling regularly, just like any new family does. (Your family doctor is one of the people who are supposed to be automatically notified by the agency when a child is placed with you.)

In addition to other sources of help, Adoption UK members have access to the PAL database, which can match you with others who have experience with all kinds of adoption problems: child behaviour difficulties, medical conditions, family circumstances, pre-placement histories, or legal and procedural snags.

Everyone is rooting for you and willing to do almost anything to help make it work. Nobody wants this to fail. Take advantage of them.

The Social Worker’s Supervision Visits

Your social worker will be calling regularly, too, not looking for fresh bruises, but to see how things are progressing. You can talk to her about your problems as well as show your child off. On the other hand, the social worker does have a primary duty to the child to be sure she has put him into safe, loving and competent hands. He’s been failed already by at least one family, and that’s one too many. If you are relaxed, your child will reflect that. The social worker will visit you regularly, at times previously arranged. The first such visit has to take place within a week of placement. But she will also “just happen to be passing” a few times, to see how you react to an unannounced visit, and how things are when you aren’t expecting to be visited. You may be visited by several different social workers, especially if your child is not from the agency which originally assessed you or is from another local authority. When this happens the child’s agency has the option of undertaking the supervision of the placement (checking up on things until the adoption order is made) itself or of paying your own agency or the local authority where you live to do it for them. Even if they commission your agency to do the formal supervision the child’s own agency may want to make one or two visits themselves.

Supervision visits are nothing to be afraid of. They are for everyone’s benefit and almost always go smoothly. If something is going wrong with the placement or you have any concerns about the child these visits are the time for you to bring it up and discuss it thoroughly, and maybe make arrangements to get some specialist help with the problem. Think of it as like going to the Well Woman Clinic: there’s nothing wrong with you, probably, but if there is you can talk it over with the nurse, and if there is trouble brewing it can be caught early and dealt with much more easily, before it gets out of hand.

If your new child is old enough, the social worker will of course want to talk to her on her own, to see how she thinks things are going. She may have problems she feels she can’t discuss with you yet, or she may be unhappy.

Supervision visits become less frequent over time and stop altogether when the adoption order is made, but you are always welcome to call for help.

How Are Things Progressing? Case Reviews

During the period between placement and your application to the court to adopt, the regulations require that formal case reviews have to take place, to discuss how things are progressing. These meetings include all the relevant people: you, the social workers involved, and your child, if she’s old enough to participate; and maybe the foster parents. There is no reason why they can’t include the birth parents, but that is rare. The first of these meetings has to be held within four weeks of the placement. The next one has to be three months later. If there are any more, they come about every six months.

Note that once you lodge your adoption application with the court there is no longer any legal requirement for these meetings, but if the case is not heard within a reasonable period or there are legal complications, the agency will still want to hold periodic case reviews and these should be welcomed, not least as ways of keeping you informed about what’s happening.

It may be that the birth family is contesting a decision of the agency or appealing against a freeing order and the adoption cannot go ahead until these have been ironed out. It can take months, but it doesn’t mean the placement is in danger of being aborted. It is extremely uncommon for a legal complication like that to force an agency to remove a child from a placement, and they will fight tooth and nail to prevent that happening. But for some people having something like this hanging over their heads can make it difficult to settle into the new relationship and the case reviews can help ease your mind.

If you do not lodge a formal application with the court within a few months, one of the things the case reviews will need to consider is why, and whether anything can be done to help speed up the process. The social workers will understand if you and/or your child want to delay for some months to be sure the placement is going to work out. No one wants to pressurise you into making a hasty decision.

Breastfeeding Adopted Children

Yes, that’s right, breastfeeding. You didn’t think that was possible? Well it is, and an increasing number of new adoptive mothers are successfully breastfeeding their babies. If you know you are going to have a baby placed with you, and you know the expected date of placement far enough in advance (at least three months; for example, you are matched with an unborn baby for placement as soon as he is born), you might want to consider doing this. It is not necessary to have previously given birth or even to have been pregnant, and it is possible for women who have had total hysterectomies. I know adoptive mothers who have done it, and while it is unusual, and your social worker might need convincing, your family doctor, practice nurse, health visitor or midwife should be able to help. It can help both you and your baby in bonding. There are a number of Internet Web sites you can consult, including Adoptive Breastfeeding at Adoption.com.