XIV. Moving in With You: The Honeymoon, Page 6
What about Baptism and Other Religious Rites?
You must postpone any serious religious rites of passage for your child until after he is formally adopted. This includes circumcision, baptism, bar mitzvah, confirmation and formal conversion to another religion. Of course, this also applies to ear piercing, etc., which have to wait. This does not mean you can’t take your child with you to your place of worship; participating in normal services is part of being in your family and community.
What if the Birth Mother Changes Her Mind?
I discuss this topic here as well as in the next chapter because it so often unnecessarily affects the ability of new
adopters to bond with their child in the early days of the placement. It is the one biggest nightmares for most adopting couples, from the time they get to know about a child until the adoption becomes final.
It is possible for birth mothers (and birth fathers with parental responsibility) to change their minds about placing a child for adoption. The main reason why most agencies won’t place a newborn child direct from hospital is because a birth mother cannot sign a binding adoption consent until the baby is 12 weeks old, and if the baby were placed for adoption before then, the birth mother would be within her rights to change her mind within the 12 weeks and demand the child be returned to her. This does not apply if the agency has already taken steps to have her parental responsibility removed, as sometimes happens when a woman is manifestly going to be incapable of caring properly for the child. If you are offered a newborn child under the age of 12 weeks, or for whom the mother has not signed an adoption consent, you may want to ask for written assurance from the agency that the mother’s parental rights have been terminated by the courts.
Unless the child is subject to a freeing order, you will want to clarify with the agency whether or not they will support you if there is an application by the birth parents to remove the child, and whether they will pay the legal fees involved, which can be substantial.
There are several different factors which affect the possibility of success if birth parents challenge an adoptive placement:
- If the child is the subject of a full or interim care order, the local authority must consent to the birth parents changing their minds, nor can they exercise their parental responsibility without the local authority’s consent. If they want to have the care order discharged (revoked), they also need the consent of the courts.
- If the child is already freed for adoption, the birth parents no longer have parental responsibility and cannot remove her under any circumstances. This is also the case if the local authority has applied to the courts for a freeing order against the birth parents’ wishes but the case has not yet been heard by the courts. But if an application for a freeing order is made with the parents’ consent and has not yet been granted by the courts, the parents still have parental responsibility and can remove the child (unless there is also a care order in effect).
- A birth parent can apply to have a freeing order revoked if the child has not been placed with a family for adoption within 12 months of the order being granted, but this would not apply in the case of prospective adopters because the child has been placed with you for adoption.
As you can seem this area is a legal minefield. Any case where either the birth family or the agency tries to remove a child from your care will involve lawyers. It is best to simply remember that it is uncommon for a birth mother to change her mind (the agency will not place a child with you until it is reasonably certain that she has made a firm decision, or it will tell you in advance that there is some uncertainty); it is even less common for a birth parent to successfully challenge a placement in the courts. You need have no fear about the birth parents turning up on your doorstep and demanding you hand over your child. They are highly unlikely to know where the child is, unless you have previously been fostering the child with contact. Any such attempt has to be made through the agency, which will notify you immediately. Once a child is placed with a new family and a formal application to adopt is lodged with the courts, it becomes very difficult to remove a child without the new parents’ consent. In any case where the birth family or placing authority wants to remove the child from your care you can fight it in the courts. The agency almost invariably supports the new parents against the birth family and should pick up the legal bill.
If the agency itself tries to remove the child because they think the placement isn’t working out and you disagree, you may be eligible for legal aid; the child will need his own lawyer, too.
I know this is a counsel of perfection and hard for first-time adopters to put into practice, but do try not to let any lingering uncertainty you may feel about this possibility during the period between placement and the final adoption order prevent you from feeling and acting in every way as your new child’s parents. Your commitment to your child, your bonding with him, need to start on the first day of introductions, if not before. Your child really needs to feel this love and commitment from the very beginning, to help him settle in and begin his new life on the right foot.
© Roger Ridley Fenton
