XIV. Moving in With You: The Honeymoon, Page 2

Why “Honeymoon Period”?

The first weeks or months aren’t known as the honeymoon period for nothing. Make the most of it, because it doesn’t last forever! You and your child are on your best behaviour. Even quite young children are very aware of the change in their surroundings and a little insecure. They can show it in behaviour we recognise as meaning insecurity: altered sleep patterns, clinging, fears, crying, acting up, etc. They can also show it be being extra good, only very gradually putting out their feelers to see where the boundaries are. And of course, both together. But usually the kids wait for a couple of months before starting to seriously test you out.

Take It Easy: There’s No Need to Rush

Use these first weeks to spend as much good time together as possible. Go to the park, explore the new neighbourhood, read stories together, take walks in the country, go on picnics. But mainly, live your normal life, so he can become accustomed to your ways and maybe negotiate with you about some of them. Don’t overwhelm your child with new experiences; he may need time to absorb things more slowly. As I mentioned previously, you need to warn people not to descend on you in hordes for a while. There’s plenty of time to meet all the family and friends. Don’t worry about offending someone. Imagine yourself, suddenly dumped down in an alien culture. How long would it take you to get your bearings? Try to understand things from your child’s point of view. Your way of life may seem eminently normal and unexceptional to you, but to your new child you might as well be from the planet Zargg.

If you don’t have children already, invite one or two children of the same age to play. Children are much the same all over, and they can help ease him into his new surroundings. If you do have other children, they can be a big help in initiating the new one into the mysteries of your family, so keep them on your side.

Go easy on rules and regulations for a while. You aren’t running a boot camp, but a family. This doesn’t mean letting him run riot. New children need to feel secure within limits. So while you can and should be strict about not kicking the dog, slashing the car seats with razor blades and running into the road in front of oncoming busses, you don’t need to insist that the TV be turned off exactly at 8:30 or that every single sock has to be put away.

Avoid washing cuddlies or security blankets brought from the foster home for as long as possible; those stains and smells might not be pleasant to you, but they carry a wealth of meaning and memories for your child, and they help ease the transition to a new home. You have years together ahead; a few weeks or months now to ease the traumatic change for your child are a good investment.

If he will tolerate it (and some won’t), lots of hugs and cuddles are definitely in order. Your most important job right now is to build a foundation of love and commitment which you will probably need in the coming storms.

Parental Leave for Adopters

From 15 December 1999 adoptive parents have been entitled to parental leave on virtually the same basis as birth parents. Any child placed for adoption on or after this date is eligible: both new parents get three months unpaid leave to be at home. The leave can be taken at any time during the first five years the child is with you and can start on the day of placement. It does not have to be taken all at the same time, either. It would be much better if the leave were paid, as it is in some other countries, but the situation is better than it was before. If you can afford it, you should definitely take the leave to build your relationship with your child.

There are various niggling conditions attached to parental leave. You have to give 21 days’ notice in writing to your employer, specifying the week you want to start and how long you want to take. You can only take four weeks per child per year, and you have to have worked for that employer for at least a year to be eligible. The leave does not apply until after placement, so it does not cover the period while the child is still in his foster home. And parental leave only applies until the child turns 18, so if you are adopting a child over the age of 13 or 14 you need to be careful about taking full advantage of the provisions. These conditions can be waived, at your employer’s discretion.

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