XIII. Getting to Know Your New Child, Page 4
What Else Happens During the Introduction Period?
It’s very difficult to give a precise answer to this question, because so much depends on the circumstances of each individual adoption, and especially on the child. There are certain things which need to be done, or phases which need to be gone through, but not necessarily in the same order for each placement.
You and the child have quite possibly not met before; you may never even have seen her in the flesh before, although you will have seen photos and probably a video. She may not have even seen a photo of you until after the panel meeting, depending on how much the social workers have felt it was advisable to tell her beforehand, in case the placement didn’t go through. It may be necessary for the social worker to prepare her with photos and information before you go to meet her for the first time. This is where the photo album or video you prepared while you were waiting comes in.
If you have other children it needs to be decided whether the whole family goes together for the first visit, or whether you start with just the new parents. Suddenly being presented with a gaggle of new brothers and sisters can be overwhelming for many children.
You and the child have to get to know something about each other by being together. You and she need to get to the point where you both feel, “Yes this can work, if we try”.
You probably have made your minds up already and nothing short of a definitive word from the Pope that this child is the certified and literal Spawn of the Devil will make you pull out now, and that’s good; hold that thought! One thing which is crucial to the success of the introduction period as well as to the adoption itself will be your iron-clad determination to make it work.
You and the child may or may not have bonded by the end of the introduction period, but there needs to be a real indication that bonding has begun, at least from your side. Some adoptive parents fall in love with their new children at first sight; others take longer. Very few children fall in love with their new families immediately. Treat it like a courtship. Don’t try to buy the child’s affection and consent with toys and treats. She may be very disappointed when the supply line gets cut later on. A new cuddly toy or a game, yes, but it’s not Christmas! (Well, maybe it is, but Santa brought you each other, not a train set.)
The first time I saw my first child, his foster mother put him on a lambskin on the floor for us to look at him. Instantaneously I felt a 10-year gaping emptiness in my stomach fill with love for this four-month-old baby, and I became his father. There have been some really hard times since then, but I can still bring back that first time I saw him, and sometimes it’s the only thing which has kept the adoption from breaking down.
When we first went to visit our new boy of eight, he came and shyly sat beside me on the foster family’s sofa. I can’t remember what he said to me in that first sentence, except that it ended with the word “Daddy”. It was the first time he had ever called anyone that, and from that moment he was mine. There have been a lot of ups and downs since then, and now he’s bigger and stronger (and much handsomer) than I, but I still start to cry whenever I think of that first sentence.
There is a great deal of information about the child which you need to learn. Not just the “big” stuff mentioned earlier in this chapter, but more mundane things, which help make the child’s settling-in with you easier on everyone. These include things like favourite colours, hated foods, allergies, phobias, favourite snacks, games, toys, whether she sleeps on her right or left side, what kind of nappies she uses, does a toddler like to sit on your shoulders, etc., etc. Dozens of things like this.
You need to learn about routines the child is used to: does she have a bedtime story before her bath or after? Does she like to join her foster family in bed for a few minutes in the morning? Does she eat breakfast before or after getting dressed for school? Do homework before or after tea? Does the baby have her bath in the morning or afternoon? Does she use a dummy? How do you wind her after her bottle? You haven’t got a hope of remembering it all. Take notebooks and write things down. The older a child is the more she can help you herself with this, but the foster family has an important role here.
If your child is on any long-term medication, other medical treatment or therapy which needs continuity, you and the social worker and doctors should arrange things during the introduction period so that this is maintained. It may mean travelling back and forth to the child’s old home for some time, to see the same professionals, or you may be able to have things transferred closer to home.
You may be offered or might want to request a child appreciation day, when as many as possible of the professionals who have worked with the child come together with you to share their knowledge and experience with you.
For children who have been abused or been through traumas, you will need to learn about triggers, things which can set off a chain of fears or behaviour patterns which she needs to unlearn. Does Daddy wearing a red shirt mean that she is expected to masturbate him at bedtime? Throw all your red shirts away. Does a belt draped over the banister mean she is going to get whipped? Find somewhere else to toss it. Did she once have a pet hamster which her step-mother threw into the fire as a punishment? No hamsters for you. Do you drive the same kind of car as the one in which her parents were killed? Get a respray. Did she use to hide behind green curtains to escape abuse? Were there apparently innocent code words which her grandfather used to prepare her for sex? These triggers may not be conscious, of course, and may not be fully known by anyone involved in her life now. You may have to learn to avoid certain behaviours, words, even smells, which are entirely innocent in your family but which have bad associations for the child; you cannot expect her to change, at least not yet and not overnight.
Our little girl was sexually assaulted by a neighbour when she was wearing a brown dress, and ever since then she has been unable to bring herself to wear any brown clothing.
Gradually during the introduction period you will take over the care of your child from the foster carers or children’s home staff. Things like dressing, feeding, bathing, putting to bed. As you do these you will learn the routines and the child will become more and more used to each other’s presence, smell, touch, sounds.
The period often starts with you visiting the child during the day in her current home under supervision. You will begin to take her out with you, be alone with her, etc. more and more. Later she will probably spend the night at your house and return to the foster family, depending on distance. Like your care of her, this aspect of your relationship gradually deepens until she and you are pretty comfortable alone with each other.
At least once during this time there will be discussions, not necessarily formal, between the parties — possibly including the child — about how things are going. As long as people are happy, it will continue to develop as described above. But there may be a point where one or more of you thinks there needs to be a cooling-off for a while. Or there may come a point where people think it is not going to work. If that happens, the relationship is broken off. It does not necessarily mean that you will never have another chance of adopting. Some relationships just don’t work out, and, as with marriage, it is far better to realise it at this stage than after things become legal. Don’t hesitate to discuss with the foster family and the social worker any difficulties you are having. There may be some quite simple explanation or a way around the problem: it may not be terminal.
If you are adopting a sibling group, everything becomes more complicated, of course. They may not all be in the same foster home, involving more social workers and foster carers. It is possible to stagger introductions with a larger sibling group, so that the placements don’t all happen together, but rather, say, one a month, giving everyone a little time to settle down before the next arrival. With most sibling groups the children act as mutual supports, making things easier for each other and you.
Almost always the foster family is very supportive and helpful during this period. They usually know the child better than anyone else and want the best for her. Sometimes they have legitimate reasons for thinking that the match is not going to work, and will discuss it with the social workers. But very occasionally a foster family will simply take an irrational dislike to prospective adopters and deliberately try to scupper the arrangements, like a father who thinks no boy is good enough to marry his little princess. If you think this is happening, tell your social worker. It’s possible that it has happened before with other prospective adopters and this foster family. There will be something which can be done to overcome the problem.
If all goes well, at some point everyone will decide “it’s time”, and you will take the child home for good. You pack the child’s bags in the car, and off you go. The next stage is usually known as the honeymoon period, and I discuss it in the next chapter.
It is probably not the end of the child’s relationship with the foster family. That will probably tail off naturally over the next few years, but there is certainly no reason to terminate it artificially or completely. Almost all foster parents are interested in how their former charges are getting along in the world. You will continue to need their knowledge and advice in the months ahead, as you discover gaps in your information base, and you will be phoning them up to find out whether little Winston really is allergic to every cereal except Frosties, or whether he’s just trying it on. The foster family may well be the best source of some kinds of information for the child when she grows up: a foster carer who originally took a child as part of a plan to rehabilitate her with her birth family and had significant contact with them before it turned into a pre-adoption placement, will know a lot which could be useful to your child later as she needs to know more about herself.
We keep in touch with all our children’s foster families. For some it’s only a Christmas card every few years, for others it extends to overnight visits several times a year. Some of the children have no need now for contact with them (or with their birth families); for others close and frequent contact is important.
© Roger Ridley Fenton
