XII. Waiting for a Placement, Page 3

Applying for a Child from a Media Feature or Photo-Listings Service

If you see a child in Be My Parent who you think you might be right for you, first talk it over with your social worker, if you have one, then phone the Be My Parent office, where you will be given a first vetting (e.g., if you are obviously wrong for the child they will put you off) and given more information, including the child’s social worker contact. Children Who Wait profiles include the social worker’s contact details and you contact her direct, without going through the Adoption UK offices. A one-off profile published in a general newspaper or magazine will have contact details like Children Who Wait.

My husband and I and children were on vacation one summer, staying with a family who also happened to be Adoption UK members. We were not thinking of adopting another child. Each of us separately had flicked idly through the latest copy of Children Who Wait, and each of us saw one advertisement out of over 100 that said “adopt me” to us. Talking to each other over coffee it turned out that it was the same child that had called to each of us. We decided to investigate, and six months later he joined our family. Since we had not been especially interested in adopting again we were unapproved, and the child’s agency did the home study. No approved family had responded to the advertisement, which had appeared in several issues already with neither of us noticing it. We began introductions the day after the panel approved our application and the match at the same meeting.

We were actively looking for another child to adopt and were already approved in principle by our local authority. It happened that someone we knew was working for one of the major clearing houses. A social worker called her office wanting to place an advertisement for a baby girl and our acquaintance immediately recognised that we would be a good ethnic match for her unusual combination of nationalities. She told the social worker to hang fire and immediately phoned us. We were interested, phoned the social worker, and six weeks later our new baby was living with us. Her agency paid our local authority the inter-agency fee for our records.

Generally the first contact in these cases will be by telephone. If you are unable to speak directly with the child’s social worker, get a time when you can phone back. Don’t waste time with a clerk or secretary unless she tells you she is supposed to handle the first contact with applicants. Just arrange a time when you can phone the social worker herself.

When you contact the child’s social worker she will take some basic details about you. During your first conversation, be as open as possible about yourselves and why you want this child. Think of yourself as applying for a job (as parents to this particular child or sibling group), and think of this phone call as a preliminary interview. Before you phone up, go over in your minds (together, if there are two of you, and with your other children, if you have any and they are old enough) why this child appeals to you, and what you think you especially can bring to this child. The same as you would if applying for a job. Why should the social worker choose you over the other families who may apply? Write these points down and make sure you mention them to the social worker. She will also give you some more information about the child, to help you decide whether you want to be seriously considered further. Social workers vary in the amount of information they will release at this first stage, so don’t worry if it isn’t much.

During this first contact, try to get some idea of the social worker’s time-frame. Has she had many calls for this child? Does she want to hang on for a few more weeks to see what turns up? When does she think she might make a preliminary first cut?

Following this first conversation sit down and write a confirming letter. Repeat the information you gave, just in case there were any misunderstandings. This will include the basic information about yourselves, if already approved, the agency that approved you, your own social worker’s name and contact details. And of course you repeat why you want this kid. Send it right away, keeping a copy for yourselves.

After waiting for the responses to an advertisement to tail off, the social worker will winnow them down to a few which she wants to actively pursue. These families will be given more information, possibly visited in person, and may be sent a video of the child in his current placement.

You and the social worker are cautiously circling round each other during this process, like an exotic birds’ mating ritual in a David Attenborough nature film. Each side is gradually giving out more and more information and getting better acquainted with each other. The social worker is evaluating your suitability for the child, and you are trying to form a better idea of whether this child is right for you.

This is the way it’s supposed to work, and in fact the way it actually has worked for us most of the six times we have been through this part of the process. But it doesn’t always work smoothly.

In spite of warnings, agencies too often publish profiles of children who need homes just before the child’s social worker goes on holiday or maternity leave, leaving no social worker with the authority to follow through.
Sometimes the social worker just doesn’t phone you back after you’ve left your details with her clerk. Or you don’t get the kind of information you need to decide whether to continue. This is bad planning and/or bad manners on the agency’s part.
You may live too far from the placing agency, to make home visits practical. The social worker’s supervisors may put pressure on her to go for a more conveniently-placed family.
The child’s social worker may not like your part of the world. More often this works the other way around: we’ve had urban social workers jump at the chance to visit scenic rural Wales.
Your own agency may not be willing to play ball with the placing agency, either because of internal politics, or maybe the local council is reluctant to allow a severely handicapped child to move into the county because of the calls he will make on council resources (this really does happen), and pressurises the agency to scupper the placement.
Rarely, your own social worker may become “jealous” and decide to wreck your chances. She may have a child coming up herself and not want to lose you, but if so she should be honest about it.
Sometimes, well into the process, a new family will present itself who are obviously a significantly better match than the ones already being dealt with. If the social worker decides to drop you in favour of the new family, she should be honest about her reasons and maybe offer you counselling, depending on how far down the road you have come. Remember she has a duty to go for the best possible family.
Conversely, a family who did not make the original shortlist for a child may find themselves recalled if the chosen family for some reason backs out or is unexpectedly eliminated later in the process. This can happen if the family finds a child they think will be much better for them, or new information discovered about the family makes them unsuitable.

If you don’t hear from the social worker or agency within a couple of days of the date you expected to from what you were told in the preliminary phone call, make contact again yourself, or ask your own social worker to do so. In most cases it is better to do it yourself. The child’s social worker may be playing hard to get, but probably not. After all, the child would not have been put into the clearing house or published profiles track — an expensive business which has considerable emotional implications for the child — unless they were having real problems placing her. Most times there will only have been a few enquiries; over 25% of children get none at all. In any case, you are entitled to check politely to see what’s going on.

There might have been an unexpectedly good response and it’s taking more time than they estimated to draw up the shortlist. This may be bad news for you, but it’s good news for the child, so be glad.
Someone important in the assessment process may have become ill or left. You should have been told, but this rarely happens.
The child’s circumstances may have suddenly and significantly changed, such as new medical developments, a member of the extended family becoming available to take the child, or unexpected disclosures about abuse. In one case we applied for a still-unborn baby. She had been put into the clearing house track before birth because of her unusual ethnicity, not because of any problems about the birth mother’s ability to care for her. In the event, when she was born her mother changed her mind. One disappointed family in Wales; one lucky baby now growing up in Japan with mum.
They may in fact be interested in you but unable to contact you because your file has gone AWOL or your letter never arrived. The Post Office isn’t perfect and files really do get lost.
There may have developed an unforeseen legal hitch, such as a missing birth father unexpectedly surfacing and claiming parental rights. This may initiate a whole set of court proceedings.

Politely chasing up the social worker isn’t likely to have any negative impact on your application, and it might help. If there is a problem, an enquiry from you now can reboot the process. If it’s just the social worker’s bad manners, and you’ve already been eliminated from consideration, you avoid wasting any more of your time, and can get on with looking for another child. No matter how much you may have fallen in love with this child, there are plenty more fish in the sea. Dry those tears, go on a weekend bender or a dirty weekend in Brighton, pick yourselves up and get looking. You aren’t getting any younger and time’s a-wastin’.

If the social worker or the agency has been messing you about, they are probably inefficient and incompetent, and you are better off without them, if this is an indication of the way they’re going to treat you post-placement, when you and your child need support. Steer clear of that agency in the future. You might consider informing Adoption UK or the British Association for Adoption and Fostering if the profile were placed through them. In some cases it might be appropriate to write to a social worker’s team leader or the chair of the council social services committee, but if you do you will probably destroy your chances of ever getting a child from that agency: social workers can be just as vindictive as anybody else. Never make an official complaint unless you are willing to take that chance, and unless you can back up your complaint with documentary evidence.

Another thing that happens, less often here than in the USA, is the “adoption party”. The idea sounds like a meat market, but some people, including children, swear by them. These take the form of a picnic or other fun event, attended by a number of children needing placement, their social workers, and prospective adopters, not usually people who have made specific applications for one of the children. Potential parents get to see and interact with the children and also talk to their social workers. The children know what is going on, too, and participate willingly. They have been prepared by their social workers. They have been through a lot, very much want to be adopted, and are knowingly risking possible disappointment. They do result in placements. These are not beauty contests. The prospective adopters have already been told quite a lot about the children, and parties are only held to facilitate placement of children with special needs, so the adopters are under no illusions about the children’s problems.

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