XI. Going to Panel, Page 3
The Panel’s Decisions and What to Do Next
The Panel Defers its Decision
There may be something in the application papers (yours or the child’s) which is not clear to the panel, or there might be a question about your legal eligibility to adopt, such as meeting residence requirements. You and the social workers will work together to supply or correct the paperwork, and you may have the chance to appear in person before the panel to explain some points. They may also defer a decision because a panel member with particular qualifications was not at the meeting or some other report wasn’t ready to be presented. Don’t panic. They haven’t turned you down. If the problem is something you can help resolve, work like stink with your social worker to get things sorted out ASAP for the next meeting.
Your Application Is Accepted
Congratulations! If you have been approved in principle, without being linked with a particular child, you have the luxury of being free to celebrate as much as you want; go out to a slap-up dinner. There will be a tremendous relief and release of tension. On the other hand, there is nothing to do but wait until a child turns up, is there? Well, not quite. You may have a long time to wait, and there may in fact never be a child for you. But you can skip the rest of this chapter and go on to read about After Acceptance: Waiting for a Placement.
The Match Is Also Approved
“Hello, Mrs. G. This is Barbara, your social worker. Yes, the panel has matched you with P, and we can start the introductions as soon as it’s convenient for you and Mr. G”.
About 10 words ago your mind was completely taken over by one thought: I’m going to be a Mum. It’s written in neon letters eight feet high on your retina. Wherever you look you see his name, his face. He’s going to be yours, after all those years of waiting, all the pain, all the emptiness, the pitying looks and awkward questions.
Nothing else the social worker says registers. She understands, and will repeat it as often as it takes to get the rest of her message through. But all you want to do now is phone your husband, then your parents, then his parents, then the neighbours, then your boss, then the Daily Mail and the Guardian and the Queen and the Speaker of the House of Commons and that lady you met at the bus stop last week .... It’s the middle of winter, but the sun is shining, the birds are singing, the trees suddenly break into full leaf, a squirrel sits on the window ledge. You’ve been dropped into the middle of Bambi.
Go ahead. Enjoy the moment! You are about to enter the Land of Parenthood. The shine will wear off soon enough.
The euphoria will be followed in about 14 minutes by sheer panic. The bedroom isn’t painted. The house is a tip. The kid will turn out to be a monster. You’ve been hallucinating. Your social worker is playing a cruel joke on you. The birth parents will turn out to be a mix of Archbishop Tutu and Mother Teresa and claim him back. You can’t remember how to put a nappy on. You can’t remember which end the nappy goes on. You haven’t got a thing to wear. He’s going to be a sociopathic projectile vomiter and faeces smearer. The freezer needs defrosting.
HE’S GOING TO HATE YOU ON SIGHT AND REFUSE TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU
Get a grip on yourself. Phone your partner. The two of you can be demented with joy and fear together! Spend the next 15 hours in a frenzy of painting, buying clothes and toys, running up the biggest phone bill in the history of BT, and generally going around in circles. Give yourselves some time together; go out to dinner; relax. You won’t relax again for the next few years!
I remember the phone call for our first child. I was at work and the social worker phoned out of the blue and said they had a baby boy for us (where we lived then they didn’t tell you about the matching meeting until after the event and only if it was successful). The rest of the conversation was a blank. In a daze I put the phone down and called my wife at work to tell her. She was dumbstruck. Then I slowly put the phone down opened my office door and ran down the hall shouting “I’m gong to be a father!” to the whole department. Only then was I rational enough to phone the social worker back and find out more.
Your life has just entered high gear. You can skip the rest of this chapter and the next (you don’t have time, anyway), and go to the chapter on Introductions: Getting to know Your New Child (make time to read it).
© Roger Ridley Fenton
