Appendix I: Overseas Adoption, Page 4

Language and gestures:

Americans and Europeans are prudish about sex and bodily functions except in specific situations; people — including children — in other cultures, talk and joke in ways which would certainly frighten European horses, while others are even more reticent.
All languages have taboo words, but what is taboo differs from culture to culture. They may extend to the names of dead people, or to clan totems. In some cultures unrelated words which only sound similar to taboo words are themselves taboo.
We nod our heads to mean “yes” and shake them side to side to mean “no”; in other countries these are reversed.
Perfectly innocent hand or body gestures in one culture may have strong meanings in another. To Americans the hand sign for the number 2 is the V-sign, and it doesn’t matter whether the back or front of the hand is shown to the other person, while in Britain showing the back of the hand this way is obscene.

Child-rearing:

A regular bedtime for children is considered essential by most Europeans. This is probably a minority view world-wide, where most children go to sleep when, and where, they are tired. And children may share beds with each other or adults much later than they do in Europe.
Spanking is becoming less acceptable in America and Europe, and most of us feel guilty when we do it. In other cultures, hitting children for relatively trivial things is perfectly normal; in others smacking is unheard of.
In Britain a child is more or less the sole responsibility of its parents as far as discipline and giving comfort go. In other cultures any adult has the right to discipline a child, ask him to run errands, etc. They also have a corresponding duty of care for all the children of the community. Children are taught to consider all people the same age as their parents in the same light and behave towards them accordingly.
Attitudes to nudity vary considerably in different cultures, including the age at which it is no longer considered acceptable for a child to be naked in front of others.

Names:

It is normal for us to address someone by his real name. In other cultures, to say someone’s real name out loud would be ritually dangerous, and substitutes are used. And to ask someone directly “What is your name?” can be gravely insulting.
The acceptability of naming a child after a dead relative varies from culture to culture: in some it is almost obligatory, in others there is no significance, and in others it is forbidden.

Miscellaneous:

Dogs are Americans’ and Europeans’ favourite domestic animals. They are considered unclean in other cultures, and would not be tolerated indoors or touched.
Many cultures have nothing like the respect for animal welfare that Americans and Europeans have, and treat animals, including pets, in ways we consider shocking and cruel.
Americans and Europeans may have a sentimental reaction to the first cutting of their child’s chair and shed a tear or two. In other cultures this is a highly important rite of passage, and boys may not have their hair cut until they are 10 or 12 years old.
All cultures have superstitions. The only difference is in what things people are superstitious about and how those superstitions are expressed.
The existence of ghosts and their active interest in the lives of the living, are taken very seriously in some societies.
Most Europeans prefer to be left more or less alone when they’re ill. Our mourning is restrained and more or less private. In most cultures it is unthinkable to leave a sick person alone, and mourning is a public, and often spectacular, affair.

The list of potential pitfalls is virtually endless, and the above shows only a few of the ways we can inadvertently dismay a new child from another culture or misinterpret something she does by inappropriately applying our own cultural rules as a yardstick. Understanding, explaining, compromise, and maybe gradual change are needed. An important source of information is expatriates from that culture or others who have adopted older children from there.

How Do I Go about a Foreign Adoption?

The procedures vary, depending on whether you are adopting a child who is related to you and whether you are adopting from a country which has ratified the Hague Convention or not. The main legislation affecting foreign adoptions is in the Adoption and Children Act 2002, sections 83-91, the Adoption (Intercountry Aspects) Act 1999 (which made the Hague Convention of 1993 part of British law), and the Adoption of Children from Overseas Regulations 2001, but they are also regulated by the laws of the donor countries. Because the regulations change so often there is no point in trying to give even a summary here; you need to check with the government and relevant voluntary bodies as you go along. See the list of advice and self-help groups at the end of this book. They can also direct you to organizations of families who have adopted from abroad and from particular countries, which are useful for helping maintain links with the home country and in understanding the culture your child has come from.

Next: Appendix II: How Some Agencies Answered an Enquiry from a Black Couple

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