Appendix I: Overseas Adoption, Page 3

Cross-Cultural Problems in Adopting Older Children from Abroad

Many aspects of behaviour are learned from the adults around you. Some kinds of behaviour are pretty universal, such as smiling to show pleasure. But many things differ from culture to culture. Some of these differences are not very important or obvious, but others can cause major problems when people from different cultures meet and one or the other does something which is perfectly normal to him, in his culture, but insulting, ridiculous or outrageous to the other.

If you are adopting an older child, one who has had time to learn these culturally-determined behaviour patterns, you will need to learn about her culture ways and be on the lookout so that you don’t misinterpret what she does, do something offensive yourself, or ask your child to do something she considers disgusting or improper. Eventually these problems will be ironed out, with good will on both sides, but they can get you off to a bad start if you are unaware of the pitfalls. They are nowhere near as serious as the quite different problems to do with attachment and institutionalisation discussed in the previous section.

A Very Few Examples

Polite Behaviour:

Europeans and Americans are taught to look someone in the eye when speaking to him, as a sign of respect and to show we are paying attention. In many cultures exactly the opposite holds true: it is aggressive to look someone in the eye. Europeans can interpret this as lack of respect or shiftiness, when it is quite the opposite.
Americans and northern Europeans are obsessed with time: saving time, being on time, measuring time. Many cultures have a much more relaxed attitude, which we admire or curse, depending on whether we’re on holiday or how late they are in coming to install the phone line.
If someone asks us a question such as how to get from here to there, we don’t mind admitting if we don’t know the answer. In some cultures that would mean an unacceptable loss of face, or we might make up an answer. The “objective truth” of the answer is of less importance than our willingness to help or avoiding disappointing by not having an answer.
We consider showing your teeth when you smile to attractive; in some cultures it is vulgar.

Food and Table Manners:

In most cultures have food taboos. Practising Moslems and Jews will not eat pork; observant Hindus will not eat beef. People in different conditions (such as pregnant women or children) may be forbidden certain foods. Some religions forbid eating certain foods at the same meal, or cooking them together, even when both are permissible separately.
Animals and parts of animals we consider inedible are regularly eaten, even sought after, by other cultures. And vice versa.
You were probably taught to clear your plate at meals in order not to waste food; but in some cultures, clearing your plate implies that your host didn’t provide enough food. Leaving a little proves that you are full.
Americans and Europeans usually try to all sit down to the table together to eat. In other cultures the men eat first and the children and women eat later, or at the same time but in a separate room.
We consider it bad manners to make chewing or slurping noises when we eat, or to belch in company. In some cultures these show we are enjoying our food.
It makes no difference to us which hand we use to pass food to someone. In many cultures the left hand is ritually unclean and it would be rude to pass food with it.

Touching, Love and Sex:

The areas of a person’s body which others are permitted to touch vary considerably, depending on culture, among other things. What we find unacceptable touching may be expected in another culture, and vice versa.
Americans pat a child on the head to show affection. This is highly insulting in cultures where the top of the head is ritually sacred.
We kiss on the mouth to show affection. This is considered disgusting in other cultures (as is blowing your nose into a handkerchief and then putting it in your pocket). We think of “rubbing noses” as unhygienic, or at the very least weird; to others a hongi (not exactly rubbing noses, but similar) is the proper way to greet someone you love.
Kissing in public is considered acceptable in America, but can get you thrown in prison in some countries.
Grown men holding hands in public would be thought outrageous in most parts of America and Europe, but it is quite normal in some countries.
All people have a personal body space around them which they consider their own. They feel uncomfortable when someone comes too close. The size of this space depends largely on your culture, and the British have one of the largest personal spaces of any. If we are in conversation with someone from a small-space culture, he may stand too close and make us uncomfortable; but at a distance where we feel comfortable, he feels excluded, as if we are being rude.

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